im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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