Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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