i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
