Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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