just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
