She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
