I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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