I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
