Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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