My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
