Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize