So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
