She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
