I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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