Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
