Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
