bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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