An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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