i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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