i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
