saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
