I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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