i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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