my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
