How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
