my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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