3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
