He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
