Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
