Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
