Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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