how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
