remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
