just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
