the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
