and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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