Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize