well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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