There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
