I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
