...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
