new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
