Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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