I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
