put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
