after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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