Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
