Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
