Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
