Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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