my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
