I need help removing her.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so let's talk penis.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
