I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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