So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
