Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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