turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
