Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
