batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
