i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Randomize
