u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
